how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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