If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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