Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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