My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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