Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
