two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
