I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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