When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
