it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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