You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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