Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
