He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
