You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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