I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
