You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
