so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Couch. On fire.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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