The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
