she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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