I wish my penis had an off switch
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
