he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
