I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
