she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
