i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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