I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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