It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
