I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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