I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
