I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
