Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
