i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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