This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
