I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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