i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
