yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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