oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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