In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
