Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think a kid would responsible me up
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
