And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
