I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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