So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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