Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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