So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
