I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
