Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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