we have pet lesbian snakes
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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