if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
