why do cheetos always look like penises
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
