Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
