I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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