I wish I could punch you in the face.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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