got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
