maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
