sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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