I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
