Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
