So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize