She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
