I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
