An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
