Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
