i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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